If you are a pet owner* then you will become a poop connoisseur eventually and usually sooner rather than later. As a pet owner you have to be concerned with how many times your dog will poop in a day, what times your dog will need to poop and where to take your dog to do his poopie business. Add in the fact that you will most likely be expected to pick up said poop in a plastic bag and dispose of it elsewhere and that a dog’s poop is a good measure of their health and you are soon discussing poop on a regular basis without self-consciousness**.
So poop can be a very acceptable conversational topic between owners and friends and neighbors alike. But all of this is just your normal, everyday poop business. This is not drama. The drama comes in when stuff happens unexpectedly.
There’s the diarrhea drama – your dog ate something bad for him and couldn’t make it outside in time and now you have a liquid pile of smelly poop on your living room floor. If you work and this happens while you are away, this liquid pile of poop has time to seep into your carpet. Oh yes, good times. Then you have to worry about the cause for that diarrhea. What did he eat? Is he sick. Yep, over and above the hazmat cleaning you’ll be doing, you have to make sure the dog is ok.
There’s the ‘where’s the poop?’ drama. Which generally occurs if your dog is not eating properly or enough and starts missing his regular poop times. You start to worry. You check the food. You watch him closely to see if there are any other signs of sickness. Yes, you are worrying because there is NO POOP. Isn’t life grand?
There are many more dramas that are caused by dog poop but I started this post because I wanted to tell you about one certain drama that had me snorting iced tea out of my nose.
Big isn’t really all that big. She’s 55 pounds. So a tad larger than medium. But, because of her history or how we brought her up or the color of the leaves on those trees over there***, she has issues with dogs that bark at her (and sometimes those that don’t****). The issue is that she doesn’t like it and will fly at said barking dog like a Chihuahua after an ankle and she looks awful fierce when doing so. When taking her on walks, Mr. Dragon and I are very careful to keep the craziness to a minimum so we steer clear of small dogs and dogs that seem to want some trouble. Mostly we’ll all just walk along as if all is right in the world. But, we keep a sharp eye out at all times while out with Big. However, accidents happen. We get surprised. We get distracted. I nearly lost a couple of fingers once^ when I was surprised. Mr. Dragon didn’t lose any fingers, just his dignity.
Here is the scene:
Big and Mr. Dragon are on a little island of leaves, trees and walls as this is our apartment’s car washing facility and is surrounded by dirt and trees that seems to be a good spot for pooping in Big’s eyes. Because they are next to the big tree, they are behind a wall. Imagine Big all happy she has done her poop thing, dancing, singing, waving hands in the air…and then imagine the martyred Mr. Dragon squatting to pick up Big’s bundle of joy in his little, green plastic bag.
Let me stop the narrative for a moment to explain to non-dog owners how one picks up dog poop. You place your hand in the bag, covering it like an unwieldy glove and then you use your ‘gloved’ hand to pick up the steaming pile and then you pull off the ‘glove’, trapping the steaming pile inside the bag.
Back to the story – Big is bouncy happy, Mr. Dragon is not so happy and…So imagine a point in which Mr. Dragon is squatting, his hand held out away from his body, covered with a green plastic bag, holding a steaming pile of poop. As Mr. Dragon is just about to get up and pull off the ‘glove’, a little yappy dog comes barreling around the corner of the wall…both Big and Mr. Dragon are startled. Big, however, is quick on the uptake and will not suffer the abuse of this puny little rat and races to take it down a peg. Mr. Dragon, afraid Big might actually hurt the other dog or otherwise cause serious issues, races to the rescue. Forgetting the steaming pile of poop in his hand.
Do you see where this is going? Big ended up in the bathtub shortly after along with Mr. Dragon. Sadly I wasn’t around to enjoy all of this. I had to get the story later.
Little yappy rat was unharmed (Big tends more to bluster than teeth and claws.)
*I refuse to use some sort of cutesy euphemism for ownership when in fact we do actually own them. We pay for them. We take care of them. We tell them where to go and what to do. We restrict their food. We tell them when they can eat and when they can sleep. We are their owners. Sure, most pet owners do their best to make it a good situation for both pet and owner but it is still ownership so none of those politically correct euphemisms for me.
**All the way until you realize the person at the next table has been giving you the stink eye for the past few minutes.
*** Since she is a very sweet and loving dog who treats the 8lb Chihuahua in our house like a sister, it has always been a little puzzling to us so we have no idea where this ‘attack the barking dog’ stuff is coming from.
****It is very strange that some dogs set her off, some don’t and any dog that barks in her direction is fair game. No rhyme or reason we can discern to her selective attacks (so far we have ruled out gender, size and breed as reasons).
^Retractable leashes can slice human skin very nicely when moving at the speed of surprised dog.
Hello St. Louis Rams? Has anyone told you that the object of a football team is to win games? Hmm? What a dismal start to the season. Y’all need to start playing AS A TEAM not as 11 individual players. Take this bye week and get yourselves together!